The Art of Being Alone - 2009

tonight i wanted to tell you how recently i've been trying to stop time before it stops me
but you're not here in the soft april cold where i am.
i shouldn't be shivering because there are people and loud lights and bright music but i am because i don't know anything here without you
because the only words i have now are the ones i stole from your mouth
and now i know i never wanted the world until you said you'd give it to me
but the world got gone and i realize i don't know how to be this alone anymore.
he asks with the sad part of his voice and the scar on his knee
and i tell him what it's like to stand on a dark bridge in a coat that's too thin with tears that hit like hail waiting for someone to fucking love you
so he tries to hold me like you did but it isn't quite the same.
the air smells like rain that just won't fall so i ask him if i can love him and he doesn't have to love me back because i know that sometimes it's too lonely to sit beside a person when you want them to always be there
and you know they won't
so i grab him by both arms and the look in his eyes and i beg him to take me somewhere i've never been to tell me his name to let me hold him tonight.

There's a Difference Between me & them

Breaking, shaking, crumbling, my being is falling apart.

I’m dying slowly from this pain. I’m crumbling like a hollow pillar.

How could you put this much weight on me?

I wasn’t kidding when I said that I won’t ever love again.

You’ve left a gaping hole in my chest.

The spot where my heart used to reside, the place that is now empty.

The section that is void of all emotion.

I know you took it with you, the day you realized it was broken.

I watched you slide it into your pocket, as if you were going to fix it and then you might give it back to me.

But when you walked away, I knew I’d never have it again…

I’ll always have the memories, I’ll always know that at one time, there was something there… Something more than the painful thoughts.

I’ll remember the times when you called this “love”

And I’ll never forget that I always called it “murder”

I guess we’ve always seen things differently.

All I ever wanted was to feel your happiness,

but also feel every ounce of your pain.

You wanted me for reasons still unknown.

But you swore you had good intentions.

Only the best, I’m sure.

Until you really left, you finally walked away.

“Promises are made to be broken”

I guess I understand now, I’ll never believe in promises.

I’m much too old for that.

But you, someday you will need this.

Someday, you’ll realize what we had.

And someday, you might even want me back…But I can’t, I can’t keep letting you

make me pay for their mistakes.

I can’t keep letting you turn me into every other girl.

Words Unsaid-- 2006

Staring in his azure eyes
She’s keenly aware
Of the passion and temptation
Growing between them.
The truth – an admittance of lust
Could backfire on them both.
However neither can remotely
Deny their feelings any longer.
Desire could ruin all they’ve built
But the chance to share will soon pass.
The opportunity to divulge
May never come again.
Speak up and be set free
Of the feelings in their hearts
Or remain mute and retreat
To the existence they’ve designed.
Looking up she realizes
She’s avoiding his gaze.
A solemn tear flows down his face.
Brushing it aside, she grins
And nods acknowledging
He knows she hears him, understands.
Words unsaid can mean a lot.

Renewal -- 2006

I've stepped away
because I didn't know what else to do
I dropped the bricks I had carried for so long
...and the dust rose around the broken pile
the dust rose into the sky
as I turned and walked away
slow motion in my mind
and suddenly I could...breathe...
the sun was setting
as I watched my own shadow -- embracing it as we walked away,
embracing it so tight, the shadow of my spirit
I'm coming home, I'm coming back...

this is what I have found
now that I've let the bricks crumble
now that I've stepped away,
the dust settled slowly over the ledge now, out of sight
the dust glowed in the setting sun
and I thought --
the dust could have been me,
could have been
ME
coming undone.
But it wasn't
and it's not.
walking away from the past, I glance up to the sky
now knowing how it feels to believe so strongly in something...
to feel....
FAITH.
Falling, now I'm falling....
to a place
I haven't been in years --

I've fallen to my knees.

Taboo -- 2006

There are certain things I have been told
That I am not supposed to say
Because I am supposed to be nice.
"Supposed to" being the operative couple of words here.
I have found myself tongue-tied,
Knotting into the stomach,
Tripping over my words,
Stumbling over my feet,
Unsure of my direction in the first place.
Inside a foggy head
and outside my blurry eyes
Trying in vain to find my way in the mist.
If only the veil were removed from my being,
Then the truth would be revealed.
Blunt, even hurtful at times, is honesty.
But alas, it is not so...at least not in my reality.
I've been scorned at and told.
"We don't talk about such things here."
Upturned noses and ignorant minds.
My own words are thrown back at me like deadly daggers,
and I am blind-sided by such one-sidedness.
With my hand on the Holy Bible,
I would swear in front of the judge and whole jury
That dare I speak the truth of the things on my mind,
Many would not think I am nice.
Then, those suppositions would be proven false,
for the lies that they are,
and I, for once, would be listened to, and not just
half-heard.

Better To Be Pissed Off.... -- 2006

Narcissistic bastard
that's what you are...

I loved you...
Should have known better
You, with your smug,
all-knowing smile....

Well....fuck you....

You never knew me....
And now...

You never will.

Today -- 2006

I did something today
I haven't done in a long time.
I listened to myself and
tried to forget about you.
I went to the grocery store
and tried to pass myself off
as a real, functioning human being.
I flirted with the bag boy.
I thumped watermelons.
I studied lettuce,
not quite sure what I was
supposed to be looking for exactly.
I gawked at the high price
of soda and cookies.
I gazed at all the ice cream, then
decided I did not need it.
I walked away with my paper towels,
lettuce, juice, and cream cheese, and,
for once, felt what I guess it is to be
a normal person - not looking
over my shoulder, or jumping at
every single noise.
It was nice knowing that today,
if for some reason I died,
it wouldn't be
because of you.

Thinking -- 2005

So, there we were,
just talking.
I don't even remember what about.
I'm sure he doesn't either.
I don't.
Because I was too busy
asking myself questions.

Like
Is he making you uncomfortable?
Not really.
How about nervous?
No.
The answers surprised me.

He was closer than anyone had ever been
and that was new
and new experiences aren't always good.
Sometimes they hurt.
But I wasn't afraid of that.
Oddly enough.

And I remember thinking
is he going to kiss me?
And did that make me nervous?
Do I want him to?
I wasn't exactly sure.

And I was thinking
of how it would be
or what I would do
if he did.
I had butterflies
Right up until it happened.

Then I don't know
what happened.
I think he made me
stop thinking.

Bloodsucker -- 2005

Stop It!!!!
You're sucking the lifeblood out of me..
I worked too damn hard
to let you bring me down.
Get some guts!
Life on life's terms.
Actions have consequences...
Face Everything and Recover...
Or....
Fuck Everything and Run...
I'm done running.

On Being Different -- 2005

everyone has been mistaken
and mistakened
and suddenly awakened
everyone has been misread
and over and under analyzed instead
and woken up alive rather than dead
everyone has been misinterpreted
acted out actions and thought out thoughts
regretted
and mass-apathetically indebted
listen to me -- ignorance is not bliss
open your eyes and open your fists
we are all the same
because we think that we are different

Meeting with Solitude -- 2005

in the corner of my mind
i met Solitude, you told me
I would never find
blood sweeter than wine
as pure, as it is fine
convolutions without design
every meeting more divine

Give Time Time -- 2005

Where was I all my life
As the years stretched out before me
I can hardly recall a single thing
Worth remembering
Until now
It seems that I was happy
Or so I told myself
What more to life is there than this
But doors can sometimes open
Unbidden, unforeseen
And you can bet I'll venture deep inside
For there may be some magic
Some mystery yet unsolved
For me to wrap my heart and mind around
Don't give up
Don't despair
Don't slam the door on life
Because you've only seen the darker side
Everything you've lived has brought you here
Don't step into oblivion
Don't take the path to death
Until you've lived your life
And earned the right
To step into the light that knows no bounds
Doors can sometimes open
Unbidden, unforeseen
Wait your chance
Give time the time it needs

Robber of Innocence -- 2005

Alcohol
A Robber of Innocence
Fogging the mind of otherwise brilliance
Sweet poet lost
Eloquence run amok
Nonsensical gibberish
That sounds like music to the ears
Of blurred, slurred friends
Great author
Who only wanted to stretch the mind
With the great experience
of mind altering drugs
Where are your epics?
Your stories yet untold?
I see only your wordless blank stare
Great teacher
Teaching nothing
Giving nothing
Just your own precious life to the grave
Leader king
Who reigns in the alley
Silver spoon, silver tip, silver tongue devil
Who utters not a word in his defense.
Mother, wife, lover, friend
Huddled alone
Seeking relief, the bottled kind
Or smoke, or huff, or mainline
A trip to oblivion for a while
Then hit the ground
And off to the corner for more
Wake up
Wake up to your reality
Clear your mind
You have a gift, use it
You have a skill, contribute
Show yourself
Show the world

The Only Way Out -- 2005

You want to run
You want to hide
To wish the world away.

Take all the hurt
Take all the pain
I pray you take it all away

You pray for calm
You pray for peace
You pray for silence for a change

The more you fight and
the more you resist
The quicker you learn that you cannot start
at the beginning
and jump to the end

Every beginning has a middle and
every end has a beginning so
every middle must be conquered
To get to the end

Stop running
Stop hiding
Stop wishing the world away

Calm will come
Peace will come
and when Silence finally comes you realize

That escaping was never an option
That you needed to work it through
That there was never an "easy out"

and that the only way out was through

When You Cried -- 2005

When you cried I laughed.
A strange nervous giggle.
The moment I heard its sharpness,
I wanted to get away. To leave.
Sadness with no hope,
I couldn't do that...not then.
We were wrong to try and pull you up.
We tried to tell you it would be ok.
Sinking feelings told us otherwise.

For Daniel -- 2005

For all the things I meant to say,
all the times you made my day.
For all the words that were never spoken.
please accept this one small token.
For all the drunken confessions,
all my wordly possessions.
For all the times I stopped myself
from telling you, you are my wealth.

Can't Think -- 2004

shut up!
i can't think!
get out! it's my time now,
you had your chance
and lost it.
don't take mine away.
forever's a long time,
i don't want you that long.
so goodbye, get lost,
tomorrow's another day:
forever began yesterday.
trouble is behind,
tomorrow's mine.
yesterday was yours.
so what about today?
get lost - it's not yours!
you're gone!
i don't know you.
you're gone.
i'm me
i'm free
you're gone

Go To Hell -- 2003

damn you
you don't deserve me
I hate your games
damn you
you broke my heart
but not my spirit.
damn you.
I am done.

To Put It Simply -- 2002

With you I am
capable of a full
mental, physical - spiritual
relationship.
Anything less
would be a mockery, and
would hassle me
beyond belief
(and beyond relief).

Within me,
you inspire
desire,
contemplation,
and creation.

Is this because I love you?
Or do I love you
because of this?

Not Today -- 2001

I cried a river
over you, my love.
I watched our dreams
drown in the swirling,
icy waters.
Dashed among the rocks,
love died.
I watched it slowly sinking,
and I cried.
Somewhere it lies broken.
In time, the shattered
pieces of my heart
will be ground smooth,
and I'll forget.
But not today.

Untitled -- 1992

I'm past the point
of going quietly insane
I'm getting quite
noisy about it.
The neighbors must think
I'm mad.
The neighbors, for once,
think right.

Freedom -- 1991

I guess I've got my freedom.
From what? they ask.
From you.
It came with a price.
One I can't yet pay -
not that money has anything to do
with it.
People say talk is cheap,
but it isn't.
It cost me you.

There's A Hole In My Heart -- 1990

There's a hole in my heart
where love used to be.
What was
can be no more.
There's a hole in my heart
but I can't live on dreams.
They are not enough.
The hole will get smaller
as each day goes by.
But it will never
close completely.

To Paul -- 1990

Is it wrong
to say you are my life?
To say I'm happy
when I'm with you?
Whether we're alone
or in a crowd.
To want to hold you,
to feel you in my arms
and never let you go.
Is it wrong
to say I love you?

Dear DH -- 1990

I remember sitting
on a lounge chair
in your backyard.
Idle conversation.
I watched every word I said,
in order not to embarrass myself.
It was early dusk
on a spring evening.
We talked until the sun
slipped behind the cornfields
surrounding your house,
and the distant mountains
were no longer visible.
I was reluctant to leave,
fearing you'd think me rude.
But you didn't.
And I was grateful,
for I wouldn't have known
what to say,
in my awkwardness.

Hearing Loss -- 1989

The world, it seems to me,
has become quite deaf,
if not dumb.
No one appears to be listening
to anyone else.
We talk just to hear our own voices,
turning a (nearly) deaf ear
on the cries of our home -
the planet earth.
Which, due to our stupidity,
is slowly dying.
Precious resources are dwindling,
the may soon be gone.
I wonder,
how long before we are gone, too.

When the Killing Stops -- 1989

When the killing stops
men will live
in harmony.
When the killing stops
nations will find ways
to make peace
with one another.
When the killing stops,
our armed forces
won't need to be.
When the killing stops,
the living will begin.

Born Again -- 1989

Is it possible
to be whole?
Not fractured
or torn in pieces
like a statue
or an old rag?
A broken toy can be mended,
but what about a broken spirit?
Can a soul be rejuvenated -
made to sing again?
There is a simple answer -
yes.
YES.

The Phone Call -- 1988

The telephone rings;
I think nothing of it.
A knock at my door startles me.
Your voice I know well
yet somehow it is different
tonight.
More gentle,
tender,
caring.
We speak comfortably,
easily,
freely.
By the way,
I love you.

Reflection -- 1987

Eyes stare back at me
from the still pool of water.
Tiny balls of glass fall
from the dark skies above.
The mirror shatters.

Underground/Only Emotional Distress -- 1987

In spring
one's mind turns
into jelly-
ice forms and
brain cells are
deep frozen: Cold
winged flowers surround thoughts
of you
as soft as
diamonds in winter.

The Barking Deer -- 1987

We talked for hours
of dreams and hopes
as the miles rolled on.
A moment, once passed,
never returns,
but is lost for eternity.
My love for you
is forever.

Hell -- 1987

Walls of doubt
enclose gray clouds
of endless sorrow.
Will it ever end?
Or will I breathe forever
the choking smoke of guilt?

A Sense of Self -- 1987

Your gentle eyes search my soul.
I do not have an answer
to your unspoken question.
Yet I know.
My eyes meet yours for a moment
in time.
I turn away,
needing to hide my vulnerability.
Yet content,
for I have found the answer.

Of Fruit flies and Philosophers -- 1986

You talk of larvae, I of Sin
(original and otherwise).
Life makes no sense.
Why are we here?
I'd like to get drunk,
but I just don't like beer.
Nietzsche and Sartre
make quite a pair,
but at the moment,
I really don't care -
distractions abound
in the chapel lounge.
Three hours in lab and
your head is quite fuzzy -
a shower's in order, cuz I
feel scuzzy.
Then there are buns
(not the edible kind) -
if he turns around,
I might lose my mind.
2-East! Lauren, you have a caller!
See you on Monday, do you have change for a dollar?
Three down, five to go.
Semesters, that is.
I can't wait to get out -
life at Hood is SUCH bliss!

Unfair -- 1984

At the funeral,
he felt nothing.
A cold anger gripped him;
he shivered.
Perspiration beaded on his brow.
A hand touched his.
He pulled away
with hatred in his heart.
He despised them all -
his mother, the minister...
All of them.
Especially his father.
Dead at forty.
So ludicrous!
So damned unfair!
Tears formed in his eyes.
He turned away to sob.

Outcast -- 1984

Unfriendly hands
thrusting...pushing me
out the door
of "a perfect world".
Rejected.
"You should be with your own kind".
"You have no place here".
"WE DO NOT WANT CRIPPLES".
Cripple.
A label given by people living in a sterile world.
They cannot let us mar
their snow white creation.
So conveniently they forget-
(shut away, we cannot bother them).
My soul cries to be released but
I am silent.
For I know
it would do no good.

Nothingness -- 1983

NO
dreams - they were shattered
glass of a life
T O G E T H E R
yet
SEPARATE
until wax hardens
on a burning
candle.

Goodbye -- 1983

Today you left my life forever.
I no longer care,
you never did.
Soon the times we shared will be
faint visions somewhere in my mind.
Memories will no longer
keep tearing me apart.
I will find the strength
to push them aside.
And finally say
Goodbye.

Here and Now -- 1982

Listen
to the buzz
of the bee,
As endlessly, he flits
from flower to flower.
See
the vibrant stripes
of the yellow jacket
as he flies above
a world of red, yellow, and gold.
Sense
as a short life draws to a close.
It seems we always
have tomorrow,
but life is done
before we really begin.